A few weeks back I saw the Reel Rock climbing porn orgy at the Boulder Theater. One of the flicks featured ropeless daredevil Alex Honnold. Alex nails a climbing truism when he states that the only place a real climber should live is in a van. After all, a van takes you all over the continent to follow the seasons and max out your climbing enjoyment. Moreover, everyone knows a climber's van is a shrine of sexual satisfaction - a place where the stresses of the day melt away beneath the flames of multiple orgasms. This is where things got weird in the Honnold film that night. I lost track of how many times Alex admitted that soloing big routes like Moonlight Buttress was not getting any chicks into the back of his van to see if those balls are as big as Largo says they must be. Say what? Alex, before you haul off and solo El Cap to reel in some groupies contemplate this - how is it some cad nicknamed "The Verm" can solo 40 feet of 5.9 and hours later be rocking his van's leaf springs with a smoking hot gal but you solo Half Dome's Northwest Face and come back to an empty van? Dude, if I'm getting it for soloing routes you could piss over then it's obviously not you or the routes you solo that keep the chicas at bay - it's your van. Or to be more precise, your parent's minivan. Lucky for you and your sponsors, I've got the answer. Her name is Anna Nicole and like her namesake, she's big, she's top-heavy and she'll love you for your money. Here's a pic - hot huh?
This is where the magic happens and she's looking for a new owner/lover.
Let's see what this shaggin' wagon has to offer. Let's start with four wheel drive and enough clearance to safely drive over the rummies passed out behind Degnan's. Add a 20-inch flat screen and satellite dish so you can bring dates in to see your Nat Geo spots.
Reach into the 3 cubic foot refrigerator, grab yourself a cold one, mix your date a Cosmopolitan and tune the XM radio to the soulfuck channel. Hook in the stainless steel yacht barbeque and get ready to hear "mmmm, you broil a mean steak Hemlock." It won't be long before you pull the sofa out into a double bed that fits three in a pinch. Did I say twins? - dial the Rancho adjustable shocks up two clicks for the ride of their lives. Got you a young-un? The auxiliary Transferflow gas tank boosts capacity to 56 gallons total - plenty to get to a neighboring state with a lower age of consent. When you're there, nothing says lose the sweater like the 13000 BTU furnace. Of course your film crew will be with you - so the E-350 one ton base model has all the seating capacity and storage room you could want. And just in case none of the above helps you fill the 700 condom capacity trash can you can try the shower (if hot water and soap don't work then there's always cold).
Anna is waiting for you - have North Face send me the check pronto (20K if they enter promo code "Rev Rules"). Do it today before some other reader contacts me via DPM and takes that is rightfully yours.