Going Big in 2012!

posted by dpm on 12/26/2011

I hope everyone is having a relaxing holiday this year.  Most of you are probably spending your time this season catching up with family, eating too much, and definitely drinking too much.  For me, the last week of the year offers a time to slow down and reflect on just how much has happened recently.  I scrolled back through all the stories we reported on in 2011 and was amazed by how much has occurred.  There were 5.14c onsights, 5.15b first ascents, giant corporate mergers, ladies climbing 5.14d, and kids flashing V11.  Just about everything we foresaw happening ‘in the future’ happened this past year. 

It wasn’t long before my thoughts shifted from what has already happened to what will happen in 2012.  I’ve got a lot of personal goals in climbing and one of the things that slowed me down from achieving some of them this year was this pesky job.  Many of you can relate.  If it weren’t for work we’d have a lot more time to pursue our passion of climbing.  Foreseeing a busy year ahead at DPM, and having a bit of free time on my hands this week, I thought I’d go ahead and write a few news stories for the coming year.  I know, they haven’t happened yet, but when they do I’ll be ready to cut and paste into the news feed opening up plenty of valuable time for getting outside and crushing some projects.  In fact, it’d probably be quicker to just post them now and just link back to this article later.  Happy Holidays everyone!  Let’s go big in 2012!

 

Press Release: February 1, 2012

DPM Buys Out Fox News and Merges to Form Foxpoint Media Group

Matt Stark, owner of Deadpoint Magazine, issued the following statement regarding the buyout and merger:  “We realized a long time ago that Deadpoint Magazine and Fox News share many of the same goals.  We were immediately drawn to their ‘shock value’ style of news reporting and completely unbiased journalistic ethics.  One of our major goals at DPM has been to expand our viewer base, reach more viewers, and subsequently allow the sport of rock climbing to become more mainstream.  We knew right away that Fox News shared our vision and had a much larger viewing audience.  Now, on network television, instead of listening to Bill O’Reilly talk about gays in the military, you’ll hear Bill O’Reilly talking about gays in rock climbing.  It’s a big change, but one that will be good for all of us.”

Mr. Stark went on to discuss the financial details of the multi-billion dollar deal, “You know, I’ve been really busy the past few years getting DPM to where it is now.  I wasn’t able to climb much during that time but I’m getting psyched to start again… now that I’ve got this MOUNTAIN OF MONEY!” 

  

 

May 14, 2012

Foxpoint Media Reports: Toddler Sends Dreamtime (V15)

Two-year-old Austrian wunderkind, Lukas Baumschlager, has climbed the test-piece problem Dreamtime (V15) in Cresciano, Switzerland.  Lukas was born in 2010, actually inside Innsbruck, Austria’s Tivoli Climbing Gym.  After an hour of crying, breastfeeding, and a short nap he was able to campus 1-5-9 on the smallest campus rungs.  Within a week he had climbed 5.14+ and won his first world championship in the über-junior category for ages four and under.  Earlier this year, on his first outdoor climbing trip he climbed Slashface (V13) in Hueco Tanks, Texas (though he was boosted to the starting hold.)  This is Lukas’ first of the grade.  He commented via Foxpoint satellite, “It felt rike a jughaul but was kinda weechy.”  His parents also noted that his ascent may warrant V16 points as he was able to climb it with a “loaded diaper.”

Two-year-old Lukas mantles over the lip of Dreamtime (V15)

 

June 22, 2012

Foxpoint Media Reports: Kim Jong Un Opens North Korea to Host World Cup Lead Final

Newly appointed North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un graciously allowed World Cup Lead Finals to take place in Pyongyang yesterday.  Kim Jong Un has always been a fan of American basketball, golf, and other sports.  He’s also an extremely gifted athlete having bowled a 300 and shot a 39 under par his first time golfing.  Although Foxpoint cameras were not allowed inside the event, it has been reported that Kim Jong Un competed and won the gold medal after easily flashing the 5.14c finals route.  Second place winner Jakob Schubert reportedly commented outside, “He was incredible.  I’ve never seen a climber bring so much grace and ability to a competition.”  First place über-junior winner Lukas Baumschlager also praised Kim Jong’s skill stating, “He’s got the strongest fingers I’ve ever seen.  They are definitely capable of pushing the button.”

Kim Jong Un cheers on his rivals at the Pyongyang World Cup.  After his win he stated, "It was easier than building an army."

 

August 30, 2012

Foxpoint Media Reports: Sasha Digiulian Sends Jumbo Love (5.15b) while Ondra Flashes Realization (5.15a) 

Yesterday, high above Nevada’s Mojave Desert at Clark Mountain, Sasha Digiulian clipped the chains on Chris Sharma’s Jumbo Love (5.15b) for its second ascent.  Sasha is the first woman to climb the grade of 5.15b, a previously unprecedented level of difficulty for female climbers.  She commented on her Foxpoint online scorecard, “Really difficult for me and sooo much effort!  I worked on this longer than I’ve ever had to work anything else.”  The route took her seven tries overall.

Across the Atlantic at Céüse, France, Adam Ondra realized his goal of flashing Chris Sharma’s Realization (5.15a).  This was the first flash of the grade in the history of sport climbing, surpassing by two letter grades the previous hardest flash of 5.14c.  Adam notes, “Yes, it would be amazing to claim 5.15a flash but it would just not be how I truly feel.  Perhaps it suited me very well and the conditions were really good.”

 

Oct 12, 2012

Foxpoint Media Reports Merger with The North Face and General Motor Company 

Matt Stark of Foxpoint Media issued the following statement via Foxpoint Satellite: “Again, we stepped back and took a look at the direction that climbing was moving.  In that past year, climbing has gone completely and absolutely mainstream.  But we realized that we’re not trying to sell actual climbing as much as we’re trying to sell the image of being a climber.  It’s still really difficult for people these days to create the immediate image that they are a climber.  So we teamed up with The North Face and General Motor Company to address that issue.”

The three of us together came up with a concept for a product that would instantly transform a normal person into a rock climber.  The full package comes in the form of the new Foxpoint X-Crimp One Sport Utility Vehicle.  The custom package is built to the owner’s exact specifications.  It comes with a complete North Face wardrobe and an onboard lifestyle navigation system.  It’s as simple as stepping into the vehicle and saying out loud, “Go climbing.”  The Foxpoint GPS navigation system will lead you directly to the nearest crag.  Once there it monitors atmospheric conditions and describes exactly which TNF product to wear and take with you.  It also runs a scan through the Foxpoint online ranking database to guide you to the routes with the softest grades.  Once you return to the car it automatically updates your online ticklist via voice command and wirelessly uploads films of your ascent to the Foxpoint website.”

Foxpoint Media has already begun work on the Foxpoint X-Crimp Two which is slated for release in 2013.  The X-Crimp Two will offer all the current capabilities of the X-Crimp One but with some additional features.  “We’ve been working toward a way to completely eliminate the act of actual rock climbing from the equation,” stated Foxpoint Media VP, Mike Williams.  “The X-Crimp Two utilizes sophisticated sensors in the steering wheel that measure grip strength while sensors in the seat analyze weight and BMI.  The X-Crimp Two will have the capability of updating your Foxpoint Online Ticklist with ascents that you haven’t actually done, but ones that you ‘could do’ based on your physical stats.  It’s not really lying…cause you know, you could do it.  But why bother?” 

The X-Crimp One comes fully decked out with promo stickers so you don't have to choose your own.

Happy New Year everyone!  All of us at DPM wish you many great personal adventures in 2012.  Get out there and have some fun on the rocks, train hard, do great things, but remember to not take it too seriously.  We’ll continue to do our best at providing light-hearted entertainment for another great 365 days.  Thank you all for your continued support in making DPM the leader in online climbing media entertainment.  Happy Holidays! 

-Mike Williams